hello world

I'm re-acquainting myself with the world as it is at five a.m. It's been since design school all-nighters since we were at all familiar with eachother. It's like I'm being (unpleasantly) reborn into the early morning world, as a function of this foreign concept called insomnia, and the disorienting nightmares that accompany the associated restlessness.

We had our third round of layoffs at work today. I have been very head-in-the-sand until recently, about all of it, being very fatalistic and optimistic, as I had no control and little knowledge or understanding of our office situation. Our new leadership has now improved the lines of communication and brought us all into the know about why everything has hit our office so hard, and now I'm losing sleep.

It's early Saturday morning and I'm literally losing sleep- me, the girl who can easily sleep eleven hours a night and relishes her weekend mornings for this. Maybe thinking it through here will help me and I'll be able to take myself back up to the loft and get a few hours of sleep to enjoy what's supposed to be the nicest day yet (75 degrees!).

But for now, I'm stuck down here in front of the screen stressing about work. We lost a few more people today, which brings our total layoffs up to something like 26, and now we are down to the mid to low forties in our office. It's especially frustrating to see people who you'd consider to be highly valuable lost, while others you might not choose to keep working with still remain. I lost a coworker/friend I work with closely, and now I'll have to take her work on (I saw her cad files today, oy vey, there's a lot to do that was supposed to be done a week ago). We found out that with corporate restructuring, we're also losing our compensation pay (comp time) as of next month, which totally blows in a field where overworking is seemingly ingrained in the culture. I volunteered to participate in a design competition in the office, and that always proves to be difficult since it's generally a clash of egos and styles in competitions, especially as it's unpaid time. I'm not sure what I was thinking, volunteering for that. Stupid idealist/pleaser. On top of that I'll be out for a week beginning mid-week next week, and have to juggle project work and the conclusion to my participation in the competition.

I have been so looking forward to going back to Seattle, words cannot describe. Right now it's giving me a little heartburn as it adds a layer of complication, but I do need this break. I miss my friends and the culture there. I love it here, and New York is the right place for me now, but I need a breather, and a return to social familiarity (if only a brief one). At this point, I'm hoping that my trip back allows me a little peace of mind, and potentially a little raucous scandal.

New York's supposed to be the setting for scandal, right? What's all this talk of stress and work when you live one of the most fabulous places in the world? Good question. I'm working on it... and that's not to say there haven't been some fabulous and scandalous times- but I tend to be a deliberate and careful individual, which causes me to do more thinking and internalizing and doing things out of my perception of duty. This can serve me well at sometimes, sure. I still have a job; and my role there is actually looking very good despite everything. But I'm looking to inject a little balance in my life- a little time and state of mind for rest. The company policy formally supports this, but the office culture does not. It's a very New York thing to be a slave to professional success and duty, but it's unfortunately at its worst in the design/architecture arena.

The sun has risen; it's six thirty and I've been awake since at least four. I'm going to haul myself back up the ladder and see if I can get a few hours of sleep in before I get up to greet the beautiful day which I theoretically should be spending in the office making diagrams for a competition.

We'll see about that.