grumble

I'm a little grumpy.

Before I get into that, I just watched a really excellent movie, Quinceañera. Sundance winner, great characters and a beautifully developed story. Of course, as I am wont to do, I had to cry, and now maybe that's contributing to my little cloud.

But I rationalize everything... I think everything into the ground, which can be great and thorough, and can be excessive, needless stewing. I don't think it's just having cried at the movie that made me grumpy.

There are compound factors to said grumpiness. I am starting my period; and sadly, contrary to what I'd like to believe about stereotyping of genders, I turn into an unhappy, sometimes irrational being right before. We also had layoffs at our office again yesterday, which makes for a less-than joyous work environment, on top of me being on a significant deadline to finish construction documents for a playground I'm designing in Queens. Said schoolyard had some significant hiccups this week and I'm feeling a little drained from work. In addition to some completely demanding and loony personalities (still remaining) in my office.

I love what I do but here I am in Type-A New York, working till seven or later commonly because that's how it goes here. And that, frankly, is not very me... I want to do more than work and sleep in this town, goddamnit. I find I'm pretty darn West Coast inside, less stressed over life and wanting to go home at a reasonable hour. Apparently west-coasters talk slower, I've heard. And we certainly don't need a damn straw to drink a can of coke.

On another work-related note, I've begun the process of testing for licensure as a registered landscape architect. That's five tests, which I've decided to spread out slowly in order to study thoroughly. Oftentimes it feels like the process will span an eternity. I just moved here to this amazing city and signed up for years of studying. Boo.

I also haven't gotten a good vacation in a while. I'd say no true vacation for a couple years, and in this economic climate in the town of money-oriented wall-street worriers, and the fact that I'm still waiting for my moving-related expenses to even out, make me hesitant to cast worry aside and book a trip to the Yucatan or Croatia or the Mediterranean (see, I'm dreaming already) as I'd been hoping for. And travel is so goddamn cheap right now it's infuriating. Just a few hours across the Atlantic... I'm even considering going to Savannah, or the Keys for an extended weekend, just for a change. Less jet fuel to consume that way, too.

Part of me, the grin-and-bear-it, so many people have it worse in this world part, knows that I have it okay. This town is incredible. I may be occasionally going stir-crazy in wintry nyc in my closet-sized studio, but I have good things going for me. Even if I were laid off on Tuesday, so what, I have to find someone to take over my lease if I don't find another job, and I get to go back to Seattle? I've already discovered quite a few things that make Seattle irreplaceable since leaving there, aside from my beloved people. Life, I s'pose, will take us where it will.

On the other hand, though, this situation is a bitch. The world is modeling itself after american culture. Money-grubbing, I am entitled-to-anything, over-consuming, irresponsible america. Not the kind-to-thy-neighbor, optimistic, equal-opportunity america, that somehow did not rise to the surface. We have driven the world's systems, economy, and equity into a pit by feeling entitled to a life of luxury, entitled to have and do and go wherever and however. We have a world full of places, including the United States, where the division of resources and power is greater between the rich and the poor than it ever has been before. And now Indian and Egyptian and Chinese children model their ideals after this image of happiness and success. But no one growing up now, not even those of us who've already done most of our growing up, will really be able to live that way indefinitely- those who came before us, sadly our own parents' generation, have done a poor job thinking long-term.

As the next generation, we inherit a degraded earth, an exhausted economy and government, and not enough resources to share. We inherit the legacy of a hunger for the things that got us in this situation- giant hamburgers with piles of idaho fries, large stores and houses and the cushy individual vehicles to move us between them, and the airport that takes us on our company trips, or to grandma's house or the nearest sunny respite from all of the stress of the lives we've made for ourselves.

We are in the hole before we even start. We are a savvy generation, the first to be raised in the age of the internet and personal computer, a wealth of ingenuity, but we live hand-to-mouth with finances and aren't excelling at practicing temperance or thinking holistically so far. We will have to learn to drive the ship in totally different circumstances than those who came before us.

We have no idea what life or the world be like when the reigns are passed on to us, especially given the lack of stability in these times. I predict it will feel like rollerskating in a sandbox at times.

I'm still grumpy. Maybe even more so. That really wasn't effective therapy, but oh well, every reflection I have reminds me to appreciate and try and do right by what I do have, and have opportunities to impact. Keeps me getting up in the morning, and gives me direction. Just do the best you can every time.

Yeah, that's right.