on depression- II

The process of articulating and objectifying what I went through, naming it clearly as something separate from myself was and is therapeutic in itself. Reflecting upon it rationally helps bring understanding, and brings sanity and clarity to an experience that feels so completely insane, confusing, and demoralizing.

However, I cannot help but re-read what I wrote previously and feel that it sounds somewhat odd to be so cool and removed in expressing something so emotional. It kind of reads like a documentary written about me by a third party. Granted, I wouldn't expect to have people take me seriously if I came off as melodramatic or overreacting. Still, I think that in chronicling the experience objectively, I understate the extreme emotion of experiencing depression.

I'm generally a pretty level-headed person, so that may be part of what made me sensitive to the overwhelming emotion. Also usually a cheerful person, this new-found deep sadness, the despair and isolation and shame, the inability to feel any hope on the horizon despite the strong desire for it to improve...it was too much for me to take in, and was drowning me. Even though, intellectually, I knew that it would get better eventually, and those supporting me during that time tried to help me feel hope, I couldn't, and I was isolated in a lonely haze of depression that panicked me. I've always been influenced, even fueled by my relationships and interactions with others, and here I could not see past the haze of isolation to attempt to get there again. It was frightening. All of it was very frightening.

Going through that taught me to put less pressure on myself and be kinder to myself. I'm pretty driven and can be ruttish; this has helped show me the importance of sometimes taking things as they come. I'm still trying to figure out what's most important to me at this point in my life; where I want to be living, what I want to be doing and how and with whom, but I know now that it's best to take it bit by bit and see where the winds take me, rather than stressing out about not having everything bundled together into one clear solution until my head implodes. Or at least that's what I'm trying to impress upon myself....

In all things, balance, moderation, and empathy.